For so many years, I’ve been blaming external forces for my plights in life. As i sit looking out on my deck, listening to the Canadian geese honk their way into a new springtime, I realize just how much I’ve missed – how much I STILL miss – by not just “being.” But as far as chains, I’m starting down the road to toss a huge set.
Later this morning, I go in for my preparation for surgery and, I admit, for a routine surgery, I’m nervous. The reason is the surgeon warned me that this is NOT going to be routine. The hernia that should have been fixed ages ago is the issue. That damned hernia has been the source of my heartache, grief, suffering, mocking from my kids, my now-ex husband and even my own self-loathing for years. YEARS. I was told by my numerous doctors and OB/GYNs, “Oh it’s just fat. You won’t lose it.” I’ve tried to exercise it away. Now I know why it’s still here 22 years later. I’ve been very emotional about both the surgery and the knowledge of this “baggage” I’ve carried unnecessarily that now, I have an answer for and IT’S NOT MY FAULT. I’m going to say it again – if only for me to see it in print: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!
Stomach crunches, sit ups, anything to do with the stomach have been useless. NOW I understand why – the stomach muscles have been broken; split. They ARE weak and it will require therapeutic intervention, but in childbirth, HA! I was screwed. I’ve had physical trainers say, “It’s just going to take time…” Bullshit! OH! How that got me so angry! They just didn’t get it – nor my frustration. I had the equivalent of Mount Everest pushing on my bladder and didn’t know why I had it and it seemed like other mothers who had C-sections but SOME issues, did not; just the scar, wiggly muscle tone and call it a day.
Then came the humiliation of the ex-husband wanting to know why it wasn’t going away while dressing one night. That’s….where it triggered a nasty downhill slide in my marriage; I wasn’t attractive anymore. I worked the weight off but that nasty bump remained. It was always there. Taunting me, haunting me, mocking me. MY KIDS even asked years later why I couldn’t get rid of it.
Here come the echoes of the past: Echo..echo..echo…fault, guilt, shame, blame…it’s all YOU…
Now, 22 years later, comes salvation through, of all things, a horrendous gall bladder attack and a surgeon who bluntly tells me, essentially, things must change: Once the gall bladder is out – and today, it comes out. He made it sound, less than routine and I am nervous. But once out, and he also made it clear, “that hernia MUST be fixed after you lose SIGNIFICANT weight.”
I’ve heard that, but we’re not there yet. Today, one chink of the chain is broken; the first step, the beginning. It’s time to toss the shame, the blame, the guilt. It was NEVER me at all. My body has been broken for years. Now, it’s time to move forward to accept that and cleanse the emotions behind the false guilt. It’s a new day and a beautiful one. And today, I take no one’s shit. Not today.