The Journey

As I sit on my deck, sipping tea; relaxing

My mind is wandering, drifting, going back in time

My mind’s eye sees the journey I’ve tread; healing then relapsing

Like a drug addict who thinks they can handle “just this one time”

But only to discover, they’re back in the darkness; collapsing

 

I don’t know where it all started for me; when my mind gave out

Was it after pregnancy, the third one?  Or was it earlier still?  Who knows?

All I remember?  Sleeping and unable to awaken.  It was depression without a doubt

My sleep had no dreams; like I had a knock-out drug in a large dose

Before long, I was in a doctor’s office with drugs of their own

One did nothing.  Another, I gained weight.  Yet another, I became hyper

Another doctor figured out it wasn’t depression, he had a diagnosis all his own

Bipolar disorder – I had highs and lows, like a wild roller coaster rider

Problem solved, another drug made just for this disorder, I thought I was cured

Wrong, oh so wrong; another diagnosis blown

 

I gave up for a time feeling like the world had ended

Before long, it became clear, my mind was not well, it needed healing

Another chance, another doctor who had a different agenda

I was feeling like a nervous, raving, lunatic whose racing mind was unyielding

“Aha!  I have just the thing!”  the new doctor says, his latest panacea in hand

All I cared about?  Did it work?  My weary mind needed convincing

It was an experimental combination thanks to the FDA.  Wonderful, just grand.

Now I felt like a guinea pig in a science experiment rather than a patient

But, I took the cocktail, desperate for my mind to return from Disneyland

I was feeling like I was permanently stuck on the Matterhorn, spinning, racing

Not only did I start to see relief, I started to LOSE WEIGHT!  

 

Oh was I a guinea pig now; my weight was being managed along with my mind

Jenny Craig?  Weight Watchers?  Pfft!  I had MY miracle cure in a bottle

My mental health medications were all I needed to drop the weight and gain my mind

At the rate I was dropping my weight, I could become a supermodel

But my mind?  That was a different story.  Anxiety and mood swings were still my companions

Would anything help?  Anything at all?  I looked good, but my mind was like jello

The symptoms – which I’m only now aware – were clearly there; my sanity had been abandoned

My spending went out of control.  As a parent, I looked like an odd fellow

I won’t even start on the decline of my marriage, you can guess what happened there

What I put my husband through, it was just unfair

 

This went on for YEARS.  My suffering was tremendous; my misery was horrible

I lost my marriage, my home, my standard of living and nearly my children

I moved constantly like a vagabond without a home that was affordable

The truth of my life, of how sick I was, I was keeping hidden

More medications were being added and removed; I had some relief

But what I truly needed?  To be in a hospital under a doctor’s care

That, however, would not come for many years adding to my grief

The other part of the problem?  My lack of knowledge – I didn’t know what to share

 

It wouldn’t be until my children were in their teenage years I’d finally see relief

My mind and my mood swings were out of control like a raging torrent

I had lost sleep for three weeks straight; I rarely ate or went outside

I couldn’t tell you what time of day it was – let alone the day itself

The day my relief came, I was in such torment

I wanted to vanish; simply to disappear but the symptoms would not subside

Soon I was in the hospital and my medications changed for good

That was five years ago now and that journey has led me to where I am

Stability, sanity, and a life of truth; my truth, and my life has also changed for good

Therapy, rehabilitation, vocational rehabilitation all brought me to this place called “I can”

So that now I can look back, proudly, and say, like a war veteran who did battle, “I made it back.”