And Then…She Jumped

A nightmare had long begun; the mind was being stretched and twisted

One year?  Three?  Ten?  God only knows how long she had been holding on

Holding onto what?  Faith?  Inner strength?  Determination?  Or was she already afflicted?

Not knowing.  Not understanding.  Not seeing the signs.  Reality has gone

Culminating in an altered state so real and so frightening.  She had to be committed.

Not just once but twice in five years…

 

The hospital was bad enough – the first time.  She barely knew truth from reality

Three weeks of sleepless nights, little food or drink, wrong medications worsened all

Upon entering she could laugh with pure glee one moment; the next?  Sob and beg for mercy

Mercy?  From what?  This hell, this torment she was in – euphoria followed by a crashing downfall

She wanted, no, needed, this help, this solution.  You see, she wanted to self-harm by drink

And the drink, alcohol, her worst enemy, would kill….

 

But that was five years ago now.  There was another stay as things were not quite balanced

Massive therapeutic supports, housing supports, and correct medications were the counterbalance

However, she had to learn that this phase – the phase of being a “nothing” – would be temporary

She didn’t believe it.  She couldn’t see it.  So, she stayed to herself, mourning losses and pining the past

She questioned everything about herself…even her purpose. Everything she believed was contrary

Her children, angry, bitter, ashamed, were her purpose; now, she was the outcast

 

A new journey had begun, like it or not.  An ambiguous death times three; she was alone

For the last five years her mind healed, she only saw losses.  But, she was actually a caterpillar

In its cocoon healing, growing, developing…slowly; ever-so-slowly…in a state of prone

Her mind healing, her body reeling, terror, fear, and emptiness had long been sewn

Into her broken heart and spirit.  The anger and pain ran deep and tasted bitter

Once she was shown the true meaning of this ambiguous loss – growth – her mind healed

Her body healed, her dreams returned, her hope returned; her self-confidence, a weapon to wield

 

She moved from one apartment into another one – gaining rental history – and a good reference

Over time, she began to see this was important for her future; she had to think of “self”

Her kids began to take less importance; while she took greater importance – as was her life

Her life had to move forward on her own – alone – to ignore herself was treacherous

She had to think about what came next; what made her whole, confident, self-assured

Family, connections with others, friends, spirituality and…employment had to be secured

Those things, plus the little things that made “her,” were now the goal

 

And so today, five years later, this mentally sick, behaviorally imbalanced woman is returning

She has broken through the outer cocoon, spreading her beautiful, gloriously colored wings

Standing on the edge of the diving board – the highest level – the water below churning

Her wings flicker, flutter and she is free of her shell; on the diving board, her heart sings

To her sweetly, gently, proudly; “You did it!  Now….jump.  You won’t fail.” 

And then, she jumped….into a splash of water and it was glorious.

 

–Photo Credit to David Treadwell