Escaping Into Darkness

It’s just another day in the darkness

Lost, alone, afraid, hopeless

What am I?  Who am I?  

Five Steps forward, Six back Why?

Why does this keep happening?

When I gain some, I lose more. It’s become maddening.

 

“You don’t handle stress well” heard as “I failed again”

I try to see the lessons but all I feel are the anchor and chains

That bind me in place yet again.  And so I escape

It’s all I can do to stop listening to the mental “you’ve failed” tapes

 

Where to go?   Where to hide?  Reality is too much to take

So, I hide in the darkest place I can to ease this heartache

Where is that?  In my mind, where reality and fantasy converge

It’s dark, safe and no one finds me.  But I also write to purge

 

The images that often fly so fast I can’t keep up; I’m the heroine

I fight tooth and nail to win the battle but all it is?  More burrowing

There are enemies surrounding me all around that I constantly battle

There are many, so many, that the heroine faces constantly it’s a hassle

 

She can’t seem to win, either. She defeats one demon only to have to defeat another

While she never tires but one must wonder if she even thinks “Why bother?”

Much like have in my space in the darkness.  But yet I still write away

Romance comes and goes always due to betrayal and so she keeps all at bay

 

Not a loner, it’s all family to her; but no one else she can trust with her “all”

This story is so sickeningly like me it’s enough to make me bawl

Yet I keep writing. I keep escaping into this darkness. The place within my mind

When I emerge, the feelings of hopelessness, failure, and heartache are all I find

 

I don’t notice the forest from the trees. Many say, “this, too, shall pass.”

I have help to get me through this, but when I hear this, it’s merely a pain in the ass

Then it began to dawn on me. the heartache was truly loneliness playing its tricks

But how can I get close to anyone?  What worth am I?  What can I make with mere sticks?

 

It’s rare anyone hears me.  Not my Higher Power.  Not even my blog.  I try to reach out

I truly do.  Yet, I’m so fearful of destroying yet another relationship.  I continue to doubt

The bills stack up. The income is not coming.  My hopelessness grows stronger by the day

But then the light starts to shine a bit brighter only to darken again.  No choice but to pray.

Perhaps thinks working out means it worked. Perhaps not.  It worked better than nothing

I’m realizing I must head out of the tunnel and into the light if I’m to gain something

Anything…

 

I’m realizing that to escape means darkness, hopelessness, and helplessness

But I must leave the tunnel. There’s meaning to find if I reach out to others in helpfulness

 

 

Photo by Dev Benjamin on Unsplash