Surrounded By The Dark

I am nothing.  There is nothing.  Pure darkness.  

Space endless.  Time stopped.  Silence.

Emptiness.  Blindness.  Soundless.  

My mind is a different matter. It’s anything but silenced.

Denial.  Hiding.  Camouflaging.  Daydreaming.

Distractions abound.  Thoughts racing, chasing, clashing.

Visual stimulations.  Pretending.  Masquerading.  

Acknowledging truth.  Smashing reality.  Slashing…

My heart slashed, eviscerated many times over; painfully

The fault is mine and only mine to bear.  I let it all happen.

Those are the ones I attract – always.  And so blatantly.

Love?  What love?  There is no love for me, of gruesome talent.

They come to me attracted as they are; attractive as they are

The song is the same.  The game is the same. The outcome is the same.

It’s short.  Bitter.  Painful.  Over in the blink of an eye.  I’m left with the scars.

I fall into despair. Depression.  I blame myself.  Filled with shame.

I’m the one with the issues, the problems, the one with the flaws

But then another comes in.  The same thing happens again.

In the course of a “date,” I’m raped, slapped, choked, and clawed

I’m silenced. I can’t cry out for help. I’m trapped and in chains

After years of these types of encounters and of pain in the darkness

I decided it was time to end my quest for love.  There was no love. 

There was no hope. No “god of my understanding.”  Not for me to possess

Betrayal everywhere.  Men wanted only “that.”  Me for “that.”  Not love.  

Not worthy.  Attracted “those” types.  Always the fault was mine to bear. 

Fear.  Anxiety.  Pain.  Terror.  All were part of my heart and soul.  

So, I hid away from everyone. Family, friends…God? Answers to prayers? 

Some answers!  No relief.  No solace at all.  Only pain for my aching soul.

And now all I see is darkness everywhere around me and hear no one. 

One beats and slaps me and apologizes but then…it happens again

Another chokes me into silence and leaves bruises behind….again

I’m spoken to with disrespect; like an unpaid prostitute…again

And “You LOVE this, and you know you do, don’t you?” ….again

Any man, who I deemed to be “a friend” now contacts me wants this

This.  This deplorable, disgusting, dehumanizing behavior against me

All I want?  To hide.  To stay safe.  To be free from being hurt and dismissed

And yet, it happened yet again.  He seemed different this time.  This time.

The screams were loud.  The neighbors could hear them.  But no one said a word.

He ignored my cries of pain and torment.  Only the phone ringing ended my suffering. 

And in a flash, he was gone…for good.  Within weeks, I was in a hospital ward

I thought it was another reason. Then my mind came to its bearings.

Issues triggered yet again from “date rape.”  

Only now I understand it’s not me nor my fault.  So why the darkness?

I see nothing but the darkness.  I hear nothing, feel only pain

Memories from the past are flooding in like water; it’s cruel and heartless

It’s hard to believe I’m blameless when it’s happened again and again

I still call out for help and no one hears me…it’s just pure darkness

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Invisible

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